The more things change...

... the more they don't. Yeah, it's a little twist on the other familiar phrase, because I didn't feel like being SO cliche.

Anyway... the point of that phrase in general is that really, some stuff just doesn't change.

So for anyone out there who somehow thought that getting a new president in the US or a new prime minister in Israel was going to mean some substantial change in Israeli policy, Israeli public opinion, etc., or some miraculous change on behalf of the Arab world... um, you can stop holding your breath now.

Yeah, I'm being a little extra obnoxious. I am sicker and tireder than ever of this whole "Israel needs to make concessions, give up part of its Biblical and historical homeland, let a whole bunch of fake refugees move in (or pay them off), have open borders with people who clearly verbalize their hatred for us and intent to kill us, etc. and then there will be some sort of peace" baloney.

Now the world is trying to tell us that not *only* do we "have" to give up any "unauthorized" communities, but we're not allowed to build in the ones we have? What? Including ones that in almost any supposed peace agreement would stay within Israel?

And people keep focusing on how the world is telling us we cannot even build within our own communities to account for "natural growth," but what, exactly, is that? Yeah, the idea comes from the fact that people are raising their children in these communities, and now the kids are growing up and can't find homes inside their own communities.

But what about me? What about anyone else who wants to go live in peace somewhere within Israel?

Yeah, maybe people who grew up there should have some sort of priority on getting housing there... but there's no legitimate reason why I shouldn't be able to also get housing there.

And I have to say... as much as I love Jerusalem, the minute my life will allow me to move into one of those communities, then G-d willing, that's where I'll be.

Okay, so it's been almost two months...

And I'm really only writing now 'cause my sibling asked me to, so here goes:

My life is amazing. I truly believe that it's amazing because I've decided it's amazing. I wish the whole world could decide that for itself, 'cause it would make the world a much, much, much better place to live.

I could on and on about how my life is amazing, but really, the fact is that I'm incredibly blessed -- and I remind myself of that when things do get rough.

I've been going through a pretty intense situation, with tons of ups and some downs, and some way ups, and some way downs, and it's been keeping me busy.

Fortunately for you, it's kept me busy enough that I haven't come here to rant about the ridiculous world situation regarding Israel.

I will say this... since I posted last, I've been in the Shomron for a day trip (Shomron = Samaria, which is part of what's often referred to as "the west bank"), which was amazing. It's such beautiful land, so much of it open space, so much of it legally purchased by Jews (and that's aside from having been given the land in the Torah), and it's unbelievable to me that people think we should just make that area Judenrein.

We went to a spot overlooking the gravesite of Yosef... one of the places that according to the Oslo Accords, was supposed to remain in Jewish hands... yet when the Intifada war started in 2000, Israel left it to be destroyed by Arabs. For years, Jews weren't allowed to go there AT ALL -- it's one of Judaism's holy sites... even the Oslo Accords gave the land to the Jews, yet NO JEWS were allowed EVER. Now, once a month, in the dark of night, under the protection of many, many military personnel, some Jews get to go pray there for a little while.

We went to a couple of communities of Jews, where the people there are just trying to live Jewish lives on Jewish land, where they don't even carry guns for their own protection, where they don't have full-time electricity, and they have to take into account that they could, G-d forbid, be evicted from their homes at any point.

It was definitely an eye-opening trip.

I've also spent Shabbat with friends in Gush Etzion, in a community called Tekoa. It's near Herodia, in Judea, also part of what's known as "the west bank." It was beautiful and amazing, and again -- ridiculous to think that at some point outsiders would think that community should be destroyed. RIDICULOUS.

And last week, I went to Hevron, to Judaism's second holiest site -- the Cave of the Patriarchs, where Avraham, Sara, Ya'akov, Rivka, Yitzchak, and Leah are buried... and, as our tradition tells us, so are Adam and Chava (Eve). (Plus the head of Esav, which is just weird to me.)

On the way to Hevron (Hebron), we passed through Kiryat Arba. I'd never been to either place, so I only knew what I'd read in the media.

I was shocked -- really shocked -- to see that Kiryat Arba is an actual city, with actual buildings, with real people, schools, playgrounds, flowers, etc. In my head, it was a few mobile homes and rifle-toting "settlers" who lived there.

And I was awed by the people who live in Hevron. They are literally surrounded by people who hate them. Surrounded. But it's so important to them to protect our sacred space, that they make their lives there. And yeah, for the most part, they have relatively "normal" lives.

I still find myself in awe at how I got here... geographically, spiritually, politically... How I find myself to be a religious Jew, living in Israel, and rather unbelievably right-wing compared to the way I grew up. But here is where I am, and I'm finally who I'm supposed to be, and deep down, I still have left-wing wishful thinking. But as a realist, I think about the situation here somewhat like my lefty family used to talk about communism -- in theory, it's good, but in practice, it can't work.

So in theory, yeah, it would be nice if everyone could play nicely together, or at least have quiet time outs when they couldn't play nicely.

But in reality, there's this beyond belief craziness that's projected sorta like "what's mine is mine, and what's yours is mine" when it comes to Israel. As in, we should be nice, play nice, be all warm and fuzzy to our Arab cousins within our politically-recognized borders, even though many of them openly call for our destruction. And we should give them control over our G-d given land that's outside of our politically-recognized borders, because even though we won the war, it's not nice to be the loser of a war, so we should feel sorry for them and let them have the land. And not only that, but we should actually all leave our G-d given, won-in-wars land, because they don't want us as neighbors. And not only that, but we should let them ALSO "come back" to live within our politically-recognized borders, because before they lost other wars, they used to live here... or their grandparents did, anyway.

I just can't grasp the concept that people really think like that. I just can't.

So even though my wishful-thinking-self deep down *wants* to believe that some sort of two-state solution could work, my *real* self *knows* it's not possible and wants to protect this land as much as possible.

I wish I could make myself do more... be more politically active... but just living here seems to take so much time and energy, that I haven't been able to summon enough to also be more politically active.

I guess the least I can do is rant here on my blog. ;)

The towel didn't work :(

And here I was, innocently hoping that I could avoid some sort of political post in the days coming up to Pesach. Nope, no such luck.

Today a terrorist with an axe attacked a 13-year-old boy and a 7-year-old boy. He murdered the 13-year-old, and the 7-year-old needs surgery.

The 13-year-old died in front of his family.

It happened in a community not far from Jerusalem. It happens to be in a community where my former flatmate is the housemother of a women's learning seminary, and where most of my friends have learned either in the seminary or in the men's yeshiva at some point or another.

So, like in every attack, there's this breath-stopping fear that happens when we hear of it. Do I know someone who was killed? Do I know that boy's parents? His siblings?

In this case, no.

And every time that happens, the immeasurable guilty feelings at being thankful it wasn't someone I knew follow moments behind.

Then the guilt passes, and it's followed with sorrow and anger.

I cannot even begin to imagine the pain being felt by this child's family. My heart is torn in pieces thinking about it.

And yeah, I am furious. Gut-clenching, stop-breathing mad. But, like, I don't even know who all to be mad at anymore. The Arab terrorists? The terrorist-loving society that breeds and fosters anger and hatred? My own government, for not having the guts and belief to stand up for our land? The people who voted in our government? The world for pushing us to do things they have no business pushing us to do? G-d, for allowing this suffering to continue? Myself, for not doing more, not being more proactive politically, not davening harder?

All of the above and more.

G-d should comfort this boy's family, and give Yair Tuvia ben Michal a fast and full recovery. And G-d should have compassion on all of Am Yisrael and stop the suffering already. Amen!

What? A non-political post?

Yep, I figure it's time to write, but I can't deal with the political stuff at the moment, so I'm going to wrap my head in a towel and hope it doesn't see me. (Douglas Adams fans will understand that, and the rest of you... well... I can only tell you that you're missing one of the most important pieces of culture on the planet, so oh well.)

So what to write about? Hmm... so many options... let's go with one of my favorite subjects -- me! :)

I've been at my current job for seven months now. Until recently, I really felt like, as a good friend of mine put it in explaining how he felt at his last job... like I was pretending I knew what I was doing, and I was afraid that any minute, someone would discover I was incompetent. (That's a paraphrase, for the record.)

It is honestly the first time in my life that I've worked so hard at something and felt so little understanding. Normally, I'd have long given up by now, if I had so much trouble understanding what I was doing.

But in this situation, it's been awesome. I learn a little bit more every day. I am intellectually challenged without being *completely* lost. My co-workers are awesome. My boss is great. There's enough flexibility in my schedule to keep me from having to be something I'm not (a day person), and enough stability to keep me from going off the deep end. My Hebrew has improved tremendously. My technical knowledge has improved tremendously.

In short -- I love my job. I post that on facebook pretty regularly, but I'm not sure if I've posted it here, or when that was.

I truly feel blessed to have this job. I don't remember if I ever posted all the awesome stuff that had to happen at *exactly* the right moments in order for me to get this job, but really, I consider it a gift from Hashem.

So it's also frustrating when I've had some stupid health issues that have prevented me from being the best employee I could be. Some of them are work-related, like headaches and a weird asthma attack caused when the guy cleaned our windows. Others are sorta-work related, in that most of the people I work with have many children, and said children are sick, so said parents bring the germs to work and share them through our recycled air.

I did finally come to the source of one of my problems, though... I apparently have a wheat sensitivity. I knew wheat didn't like me much -- it made me tired and made me crave more carbs. But I've come to realize that on the occasion that I have a bunch of wheat challah on Shabbat, I end up with sinus problems within 24 hours for at least a few days.

Most of the time, it's not an issue -- I make my own non-wheat challah, and i don't use wheat in cooking at all. When I go to most of my friends' for Shabbat, I take my own challah. But once in a while, I end up someplace without my own challah... or I just can't help myself, because something looks so yummy... and sure enough, sinus problems.

Thank Gd, I've been able to pinpoint that one... because I thought I was having colds constantly for months, and once I kicked the wheat, I was immediately better.

So anyway... I love my job, and I want to be better at it than I am, and I have faith that I will be. But meanwhile, I know I'm getting better at the pace I can, so it's fine.

Outside of work, I'm really, truly blessed with some of the most amazing friends, teachers and mentors anyone could ask for. Even my landlord is awesome.

Life isn't always "easy," of course... but man, life is good. I am so thankful, every day, for being able to live in Jerusalem, the Holy City in the Holy Land... having my great job... having great people in my life... and the ability to be who I really am, and be happy being this person.

I wish everyone in the universe could experience this.

For my fellow Members of the Tribe, I wish you a kosher and happy Pesach! You should be blessed with figuring out what's holding you back from being the person you should be, and have the strength and resources to move forward. Amen. :)

Guess it hasn't been as long as I'd thought

I somehow had it in my head that it had been at least a month since I posted here, but I guess it's only a couple of weeks. Still, as long as I'm logged in, I might as well come up with something to say, eh?

Politically, we're in yet another interesting situation. Netanyahu is having more trouble gathering a coalition than most people had expected, being that the "right wing" parties comprised such a huge percentage of the overall votes cast. But he's not being so accomodating to the right wing parties, and the center party (kadima) has decided to remain in the opposition.

(Maybe I'll do Israeli Politics 101 another time.)

Meanwhile, there's a ton of negotiating going on over Gilad Shalit, the soldier who was kidnapped nearly 1000 days ago. Hamas wants hundreds of terrorists freed for Shalit's release. I don't know if they have had proof of life anytime recently, but I do know that no one has been allowed to visit him, if he is still alive.

It's really a nasty situation:

Our soldiers need to have faith that our country will do everything in its power to get them back, if they get caught behind enemy lines.

But we arrest and convict terrorists for a reason -- they commit crimes.

On numerous occasions, terrorists who have been released as part of ransom agreements or "good faith" gestures have gone on to commit more horrific crimes, sometimes using the knowledge they acquired in Israeli prisons to help them succeed.

Additionally, Hamas and other terrorist groups know that for every Israeli soldier, they can free hundreds of their soldiers. So they have a strong incentive to kidnap more, every time we concede to their disproportionate demands.

I feel awful for Gilad Shalit's family, but I honestly don't know if releasing up to 1000 terrorists and continuing to give the terrorist organizations a reason to kidnap more of our soldiers is the right solution.

The answer to what a unilateral ceasefire is...

Apparently, the answer is this:

Hamas continues to reign terror down into sovereign Israel. More than 60 rockets have been fired since the "unilateral ceasefire."

Hamas continues to steal humanitarian aid being sent into Gaza.

Gilad Shalit is still not home. Nor has ANYONE in Israel or the international community seen or heard from him, to even know whether he's alive.

Hamas continues to say it will not recognize Israel. Now the PA and Fatah are considering merging with Hamas.

Do you really, really, REALLY think we have a peace partner somewhere in this? Really?

Politics

I've been watching season 6 of The West Wing. I finished it this evening. It was good -- way better than seasons 4 or 5, I think, though it's been over a year since I watched them. But the writing was better, and the stories were better, and it's a freakin' awesome show.

It brought back so many memories. I know that I'm meant to be here, in Israel, in Jerusalem, living the life I live. I love it more than I can possibly explain. But watching season 6 reminded me of how into US politics I was... how much I loved campaigning... and while I can't say honestly that I miss that, I do wonder if I would have pursued it.

We're going to elections here a week from today, and for once I'm nearly completely undecided in who I'm voting for.

It's a heavy decision, when we're talking about 20% of our population living below the poverty line, which is already low. It's a heavy decision when we're talking about whether or not people should have equal rights in a country that is inherently inequal. But mostly, it's a heavy decision because I walk in front of bulldozers every single day wondering if this time I'll continue to be "lucky" and make it past alive. And it's a heavy decision because I want to go to Arad to see my adopted family, and to get there, I need to go through Be'er Sheva, which was hit by a whole bunch of rockets a couple of weeks ago... and because whomever we elect into power just might make Arad a border community of a palestinian state.

The US is such a big country, that it's hard to really feel like your own personal life is at stake based on who you vote for.

Israel has no such luxury.

Voter turnout may, in fact, be very low this year. A big reason for that is that so many of us don't know for whom to cast our votes. We get one vote -- just one. We vote for the party. The party has decided who the top spots go to, and the top people decide how to divvy up the different governmental positions.

I'm sure it's clear from what I've written that I'll be voting right-wing. My problem is in deciding how right wing, and right wing from which direction?

My choices are basically 3.5:

1. Likud -- sorta right wing, sorta not. I don't trust Bibi Netanyahu as far as I can pick him up and throw him. I think he's slick, and a politician at heart. But Likud has a strong chance of being the strongest party in the election, so every vote makes them more powerful -- perhaps powerful enough to NOT have to create a coalition with the lefties or the corrupties.

2. Yisrael Baiteinu -- strongly right wing, but not so much credibility due to lack of actually having *done* anything. May or may not negotiate a palestinian state, but at least has strongly come out against the so-called "right of return."

3/3.5 -- the national religious parties. These are the very small parties that actually believe that G-d gave us this land, and we displease G-d by not following the rules He gave us in terms of governing it. But the parties are split, with a coalition sort of deal... which wouldn't be bad, except that they've broken apart their coalitions in the past, so most of us don't trust them 100%.

I'm pretty sure I'll make a decision before I actually walk into the voting booth. I'm leaning in one direction now, and trying to get more information to decide whether or not it's the direction I want to go.

But man, it's tough.

When it comes down to it, I have Faith above all else... what's meant to happen is what will happen... but I also believe that G-d helps those who help ourselves, so we need to put in some efforts of our own.

So I'll keep thinking and researching, and do my best... but when it comes down to it, beyond the vote I place, the rest is out of my control.

Not so much fun for a control freak like me.